It's a long long road
But I'll always come back to you
I don't know which way to turn
But I feel it's the right thing to do

What if all the words to grow and the letters to fall between us only signify that our hearts will one day mend together? Maybe the thoughts I've built around you will string your soul to mine and maybe you'll turn to me when the sky cracks and rain falls and I'll be the goddess you can't find on your own land.

The summer's gone, but I'm still right here

I'm home.
And it hurts me in the best way possible.
I fell asleep thinking about him last night,
revisiting the words I spewed upon page after page
after tear-soaked page
and smiling myself to sleep at the adventure it was.
And I woke this morning to three muted buzz's from my phone
and read his message for me.

After talking to him this afternoon, I wondered why he'd changed into the kind of person he is now. Is it the girlfriend? Why does he only remember me when he returns to the quiet, nestled streets of this town? I'm not some mistress that he can expect to turn to when he's even farther from the one he supposedly loves. He did that to me this summer, to other girls this summer...and though I was stupid enough to fall for it, I'm glad I did. I learned things from it that I wouldn't have otherwise. I learned not to answer to his advances any time he needs a hand to hold or a mouth to taste...

I hate him, I love him...I love what he was to me. I hate what he is now.
I want to find him, the other him...the one who's hand will hold my heart
until I age
and meet my Father.
The one designated to accompany me until then.
Lord, I pray to you that as you prepare him for me now, that he's not what (the other) he said he would be like. That his love for me will be beyond physical proximities, beyond lustful wantonness.
Beyond what his eyes can see and hands can touch.
I don't believe him.
What I do believe
is that you have
a better one waiting
for me somewhere
God.

Take anything that's better for me
Take anything that's better for you
Take anything that's better for me
take it now...

I write dumb things.
I see beautiful things
in the air that encompasses
my every
waking fragment of existence.
I'm waiting for a freckle
on a nose
or a temple...
or a cheek perhaps?
When I see that freckle,
what then?
I'm not sure I'll know what to do
but I'll be glad it will have found me.

I saw an absolutely dashing guy at the
bus stop today
and I wish I could see what his
future holds for him,
that boy with his hands
in his pockets.

and I left my soup in the microwave too long writing this. Dang.

Lifeless

MexAmLit Research page: Benson from 1-5
Read The Jungle
Practice for piano lesson?
Photojournalism assignment?
READ GEOLOGY chapters (test on friday!!!!)
READ HISTORY chapters (test next monday!!)

No room for a birthday :(

arrggghhrhrrhr

Journal Excerpts

October 20, 2008 9:26 PM

I like sore, aching feet.
And bruised knees,
and toe blisters.
I find beauty in repetition,
and in voices of chiffon,
and subtle whistles.

October 26, 2008 5:59 PM

We were broken, and didn’t know it.
Words can’t say, and I can’t do.
Coming down, the world turned over,
I’m almost crawling on my knees.
I speak to you like the coda to the verse,
Rest assure you’re not alone.
No one to confide in now, I guess you’re the only one.
“Hey baby, let’s keep in touch.”
I swear the moon don’t hang quite as high as it used to.

I’m still so in love with what I can’t have,
What I didn’t get to have.
I want so desperately to let go of what I do have.
I hate being the victim,
And I’m getting increasingly angry with time.
It’s my impatience, my ignorance that breeds this anger.
Why can’t I let him go?
It’s because I’ll hurt him, isn’t it?
Oh, how I would go back and relive it again…
up until the day I wrote that letter.
And I wouldn’t have written it,
And then I would at least have that
Reverse “rampant crush” I always wondered about.

I’m stumbling, I’m falling.
Lord please catch me in your palms
And turn me right side up again.
And maybe I’ll land that way when fate
Flips me once more.
How will I crawl out from under this web?
Please, pull me out God.
Pull me out because I have no strength to find the exit.